Who is she?

I am still astonished by what I am doing almost daily.

There was a time when I would say no to things because I didn't know the full extent of the plan. I am not a spontaneous person. I like having control over the situation. If we agreed to an itinerary and then derail that plan, know that I am messed up for the rest of the day. It feels weird. It feels like I am dreaming.

But humans have a weird sense of wanting control, don't they? Coming up with time itself to ensure we show up for our silly little jobs with our silly little rules. I'd like to be more wild and free. It may come with feeling a little queasy. It may come with actually getting ill.

But the experiences I have had over the past few years have made me more tolerant. I hesitate to say stronger as even though I have not gotten ill over an event since 2017, I will still put a sandwich in my bag and bring three jackets of varying warmth as a semblance of control. But at least I am here. At least I am out. At least I can spend time with you.

There is so much my home can offer, but as Ariel said, "I want more." I don't always want to be where the people are, but sometimes it's nice to be a part of something. Shared experiences bring us together and all that. What kind of writer would I be if I just lived in my head and didn't pop out to check in on the state of the world occasionally?

Sometimes I feel like I have regressed if I feel nauseous or that I only substituted disassociation as a coping mechanism instead of stomach issues. But we ground and come back. We go out; we come back.

It has been a while since I've been sick with stress, yet I am still surprised when I think back of what I did. I try not to think too much about it in the moment. I am not used to this person who can go out to eat and physically eat what she wants in a restaurant. I am not used to this person who plans and invites people over. Who drives on the highway. Who leads big meetings in an office and doesn't question her value or her voice. Who can actually make a doctor's appointment at a new office and go there alone. I could go on.

Before I read this over and decide not to publish, I am hitting send. If you see a typo, well, know it's for the best.